FOOD POEMS
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A Fiery Stew In Timbuktu
By Jonathan Sellars
There is a man in Timbuktu
Who cooks a rather fiery stew.
And as I eat a stew-based diet,
I went to Timbuktu to try it.
I asked the man, his name was Chad,
To serve the biggest bowl he had.
But after just the smallest nibble
My mouth began to drool and dribble,
My eyeballs bulged,
My tongue inflated,
My bottom lip evaporated,
My teeth fell out,
My breath turned red,
My melting hair dripped down my head.
I stumbled round in wild palaver,
“Chad,” I screamed, “you’ve served me lava!”
I lay down moaning on the floor,
But did I stop?
No,
I ate more,
Until I’d forced it all inside
And with a burning sense of pride
Passed the bowl back to its owner,
Then… slipped into a three-week coma.
And if you go to Timbuktu,
I recommend you try Chad’s stew,
Which left me broke, but not quite beaten,
The joint-sixth hottest stew I’ve eaten.
Perry McNook – Local School Cook
By Jonathan Sellars
Perry McNook, local school cook,
Not one to follow a recipe book,
Doesn’t use pasta, or chicken, or bread,
Prefers using insects and frog spawn instead.
He’ll throw in some fungi, a snakeskin, some dirt,
A handful of thorns if he thinks it won’t hurt.
Then as a garnish, on all of his meals,
He sprinkles the ear wax of black-spotted eels.
So what do they think, those children who munch
On Perry’s creations each day for their lunch?
Well, here’s the thing, they’re given no clues
That he puts such strange things in his sauces and stews.
The food all tastes good, there’s no funny smell,
Those children don’t know as those children can’t tell.
Thus each day they eat tree bark, and spiders, and fleas
Thinking it’s sausage, spaghetti and peas.
And now that I’ve told you of Perry McNook,
Are you staring to wonder,
Could he be your school cook?
The Cake Baker Of Cornwall
By Jonathan Sellars
In a cake shop in Cornwall there’s a baker who bakes
By far and away the world’s greatest cakes.
Each slice is a work of fine art you can eat,
Each bite is a breathtaking taste-tastic treat.
So, who is this baker that bakes these sensations?
And where is this cake shop that serves her creations?
Ha, I’m not telling, because, well, you see,
The fewer that know, the more cake for me.